It’s been a long while since I have posted anything around China during COVID-19. The topic has been heavy everywhere around the world, and I needed a break from talking about it. To see my last post on my experience, go here.
It has been devastating and depressing and I know everyone is dealing with a variety of complex emotions they aren’t used to feeling. I still am too. The level of homesick and aloneness I feel is captained by fears, uncertainty, and worry. I work daily to combat those feelings with my optimistic mindset, and there are days when it is a challenge.
What I’m feeling is very real and at times very paralyzing. What you’re feeling is real, and it’s ok to feel uncertainty and grief.
The Update
Some people have reached out to me to ask how I have been doing and what China is like now. So, I wanted to give everyone a little bit of a heads up on what things are like for me in China right now and what I’m observing in the world around me.
Some people have expressed many opinions about the things I have to say in my posts and have called me naive, stupid, arrogant, and privileged so I will preface by saying this is my perspective, what I am observing with my own two eyes and what I’m personally experiencing. I am doing my best to be empathetic for everyone, knowing full well that I don’t know what everyone is going through, but I am still going to try like hell to be an ally.
If you don’t like the things I have to say, or think I’m wrong for talking about the things I do, I acknowledge your opinions but will continue writing my experiences regardless. From there, you can continue to call me whatever names make you feel better.
Additionally, I do back up the things I have to say with factual resources, should it come to that. However, this is not one of those posts. This is just a post about what I am feeling and seeing in the world around me.
And it also goes without saying, I am not a health professional nor have I claimed to be. So please follow the advice of CDC and educate through credible resources to inform yourselves of the ever-evolving global situation.
How is it Where You Are?
Probably one of the more common questions I’m asked these days is, “how is it where you are?”
Since my article with Pueblo PULP, every day I leave my apartment, something is better. Whether that be no security at the front of my complex, supermarkets letting me enter without scanning my temperature, more and more restaurants opening, or plastic barriers in rideshares disappearing entirely. Slowly, day by day, precautions are being lifted.
To be quite honest, things just get better here every day and life has just been slowly getting back to what people know. I know many people around the world hope this will happen. That’s not to say this hasn’t come at great cost to many, it has. However, I am experiencing a place that is getting back to what’s familiar a lot quicker than I would have expected. That being said, there are still hesitations and uncertainties in people here. But everyone is doing their best.
I still wear a mask every day and will not be permitted to enter places of business without wearing one.
Going to Restaurants
Restaurants are very full and operating daily. Everyone is still wearing masks, but you are allowed to sit down in a restaurant and eat without facing a whole lot of grief. I’ve been enjoying going back to my favorite places to eat these past few weeks, but still try to put distance between me and the next guest in the restaurant. People are kind and accommodating whenever I come in.
Take out delivery is outrageously crazy once again, and food can be delivered to my front door should I desire it.
I’ve enjoyed getting to go out and spend money in establishments since so many had likely suffered as a result of being out of work for 45 days. I know many places back home are doing the same thing to show compassion for businesses during these hard times.
In-City Transit and Security
One of the things I have experienced recently has been the influx of security guards detaining me in metro stations or telling me I’m not allowed down streets where I would normally frequent to eat lunch on workdays. This does cause a lot of anxiety and has been causing a lot of anxiety for a lot of foreigners when they leave their homes to go literally anywhere.
It’s not super fun, to be honest. Sometimes I’ll see a security guard and panic because I’m afraid they’ll stop me and ask me questions. I have to carry my passport everywhere.
In one instance, I was in a metro station where security held my passport for 10 minutes just so they could examine it. They checked for my entry stamp, took down all the information, looked at my residence permit, and wouldn’t let me pass until it had been closely examined. A friend of mine tried to tell security I hadn’t left China since October 2019, but they still were going to do what they were going to do.
Imagine having to potentially do this every time you want to take the subway.
In another instance, I was going around the back of the building to go to work, and I had to pass through security and a gate to take this route. I was chased down by a security guard who then asked me if I worked here. I was wearing my work uniform at the time and security is within eyeshot of my school.
Basically, this is in response to the foreigners who had returned to China just before it got worse everywhere else. They’re taking extra precautions and I understand their trepidations because of the current health states of countries around the world. However, it’s still not fun and I hope this feeling passes soon.
As a result, I have been left to either walking everywhere or taking a DiDi car to get to my destination. Thankfully, when I do order a rideshare, the drivers are nice, talkative, and once they see my green QR code, tensions in the car are lowered.
In-Country Travel
Honestly, I have not even attempted, nor have I looked into, possibilities of traveling around the country on my days off. Since just traveling around the city gives me anxiety, I can’t imagine what traveling around the country might be like for me right now, even if it is safe. I don’t know what their security standards are for foreigners and domestic travel, and it hasn’t been a top priority of mine to really go anywhere.
What I can say is flights and trains are operating in the country, which I feel is a great sign for the country getting back to somewhat normal.
International Travel
It’s become increasingly difficult to come home from across oceans in the midst of all of this. Traveling home is a great risk, and airports all over the world are closed to travelers, even those just trying to get home. Flights opening up for international travel is entirely dependant on the health of other countries around the world right now, or so it seems.
Even if I wanted to come home today, I couldn’t do it without spending a fortune or with 100% certainty that a flight wouldn’t get canceled last minute. Some of my friends have shared their stories of getting home and what a nightmare it is to find a flight.
Many airports are not opening until things are better, and they are extending entry bans further into the summer to ensure the safety of their countries. There is a great website that constantly updates airports as they open to travel. It can be found here.
What I hope people understand is that when you are in tragedy, or something so seemingly apocalyptic as this, all you want to do is be in your most secure comfort zone. For me, that’s wherever my family is.
How I’m Feeling
I am very grateful for where I am at this moment because I do get to feel a sense of normalcy in my life right now. I’m fortunate that I still have a job, get the flexibility to enjoy walks outside, can go out to restaurants, and I get to see people go back to life. It gives me hope for the rest of the world that we will see the other side of this.
I have friends and family here, but most of them live in other provinces, and I still don’t know what it would be like to get on a train and go see them. Otherwise, the people I feel I’ve become closest too in Xi’an have returned to their home countries. So things feel rather lonely here.
I still worry greatly about the state of things in the US. My most basic desire right now is to be with my family. Should anything happen to anyone (God forbid) it would be really difficult for me to get home right now.
My emotions are incredibly high and I cry A LOT, which I consider a healthy release. I’ve relied heavily on my close relationships back home to help combat those feelings, while also trying to be sensitive to the challenges and emotions they are facing too. I’m really homesick and I look forward to setting foot on US soil in the near future so I can see my family and friends.
I’ve also been trying to be positive and grateful for the small pieces of happiness I experience every day, whether that be an oat milk coffee from Starbucks, listening to music, eating my favorite Chinese dish, having a home to live in, or literally anything that brings me joy even if it is a fleeting moment of joy.
